When Church Hurts
Pain and deep wounds stem from a multitude of causes. One of them is ‘the church’ or what some call organized religion. There’s a story told often, one of being hurt by the church, never to return. Many in this situation were raised in church. Then due to some painful event, betrayal or circumstance, they leave, declaring they will never go back. If you’ve ever been part of a church, you can relate.
Growing up in church and being part of many churches, I’ve learned a lot about pain and the church. Skewed teaching made people feel unworthy. Church leaders falsely accused dear friends and family. Pastors questioned the integrity of members, unwilling to listen to the full story. Friends took sides when they didn’t know the truth. When it mattered most, no one stepped in as an advocate or defender. Pain was increased by hypocrisy, by listening to gossip, by ignoring wrong doings. Pride and egos took precedence over patience and forgiveness. They turned away those seeking help because they didn’t meet an arbitrary list of requirements. Absence of authority led to false teaching. Lack of accountability resulted in many living one way on Sunday and quite another the rest of the week. Every member of my family has experienced betrayal from church leadership amid deeply painful circumstances. Where was the church in these low points in life? Why did the church seem to cause additional pain when the hurt was already unbearable?
The church offers another experience. It has consistently been a place of refuge, solitude, healing and rest. One where many invest in one another’s lives. Where encouragement overflows in the depths of despair. I have experienced this personally. Pastors reached out to my family when they didn’t know them. Friends prayed for me and my family faithfully for weeks, months and years at a time. People took time to listen, support, celebrate victories and to walk alongside in pain. Churches have helped many through celebrating life and grieving a death. There are endless meals, gifts and notes that speak to this. Members have served those in need in their communities. They’ve shown up even when they didn’t want to, hoping to give or to receive. Counseled youth and supported marriages. Fought for life and for justice. Helped widows, adopted orphans, served the homeless, visited prisoners, prayed for strangers, been generous to neighbors and loved with nothing in return.
These extremes are like something else in life. People. Often it is those nearest the heart that inflict the most painful wounds. And it is those same people who love us deeply and unconditionally. To a degree this is not only allowed but expected. Many times we strive and fail again and again with hopes to be the people we know we can be. We hurt the people we love and we hope they forgive us. We love the people that hurt us and we forgive in hopes of restored relationships. Every day is a personal lesson in hypocrisy as we strive to uphold certain ideals and values. Why are expectations so different for church?
The church is a body of people and functions like a body. Every person is essential. When members leave the church, the body remains wounded and incomplete. Jesus calls His people to unity as a testament to love. He set the example. He endured pain and suffering for the sake of those He loved. He exhorts us to bear with one another, never promising that it will be easy. Ephesians 4:1-6, 11-13 describes what we must strive for.
“As a prisoner for the Lord, then, I urge you to live a life worthy of the calling you have received. Be completely humble and gentle; be patient, bearing with one another in love. Make every effort to keep the unity of the Spirit through the bond of peace. There is one body and one Spirit, just as you were called to one hope when you were called; one Lord, one faith, one baptism; one God and Father of all, who is over all and through all and in all…So Christ himself gave the apostles, the prophets, the evangelists, the pastors and teachers, to equip his people for works of service, so that the body of Christ may be built up until we all reach unity in the faith and in the knowledge of the Son of God and become mature, attaining to the whole measure of the fullness of Christ.”
Encouragement to bear with one another suggests that there may be pain and disappointment ahead. Though pain should not be ignored, it presents an opportunity to practice forgiveness and love. It leads to increased dependence on Jesus in pursuit of unity. Perhaps it may help align your heart with the heart of Jesus who suffered the pain of rejection and death on the cross. Pain can bring us closer to understanding the love of Jesus.
Life is full of transitions from pain to growth. Hurt in life begets wisdom to navigate the future. Ending a relationship gives insight into the next relationship, there is typically a next one. Love accompanies painful experiences. Disappointments in work may lead to a new path or direction. Friends are lost, new ones discovered. Death brings grief, life remains worthy of celebration. Activities cause physical pain, then alternatives are developed, or pain is endured for the sake of the outcome. Pain may slow you down or cause you to make adjustments but should it determine the course for the future? As I wrestle with the pain I’ve experienced in my life, I ask Jesus for healing to remain an integral part of the church body, for the sake of unity to attain fullness in Him.
Jesus just before His death and resurrection spoke a prayer for you too, John 17:20-23.
“My prayer is not for them alone. I pray also for those who will believe in me through their message, that all of them may be one, Father, just as you are in me and I am in you. May they also be in us so that the world may believe that you have sent me. I have given them the glory that you gave me, that they may be one as we are one— I in them and you in me—so that they may be brought to complete unity. Then the world will know that you sent me and have loved them even as you have loved me.”